cropmein.blogspot.com

I've moved, for quite a while already.
It's somewhere else, at a rather pretty place.
Quite a good change of environment and removal of history.
Life's good starting all over again, bringing along only the people I would like to keep and leaving behind all the bad memories.


I don't intend to post the new address here.
I like it nice and quiet there, with only a handful of readers.
So, if you would like to continue to read my incessant ramblings, you can ask me for the new blog link personally (:



I don't intend to move back here, so it's really goodbye.

I thought happiness wasn't just a dream.
So much on my mind that words have dissolved in my tears and it seems like crying's my only way out - that is if there's even a way out.
A lot of hurt and pain on multiple layers but I know I'll survive through this.
Because the worse part about life is that you don't die that easily, so there will always be messes to clear up when you get up from a fall.
I could clear up the misunderstandings, I could point out the problem, I could explain myself, I could share my thoughts and feelings, but I can never forget the disappointment.


ming always says it's bad to burn bridges.
But from personal experiences, relationships with cracks when sustained will still prove to be easily destructible.
Are they worthed it?


Pain is always recycled.


I think I'll move on.
Bye memories, bye love.

I really wanted to say f. you but I thought I should calm down and breathe.
Now that I've done that, I still want to say f. you.



Thanks for not outtalking me, for not judging me, for really understanding what I truly meant rather than just assuming you knew what I was talking about and for being a great friend.
Oh wait, why am I thanking you again?


and please don't wait for me to be reasonable because in your eyes, I will never be.

there's this urge to cry but I'm hoping it'll go away.
despite being cynical, I've my gullible times.
Getting set up by the same girl is pretty classic eh?
Finding out that the person who supposedly only has you in his life is actually having someone else too is such a major cliche lol.
Realising that the friendship you thought you could rely on was nothing more than a facade is really, such a joke.


It's okay though. It hurts but it doesn't hurt as much as the old wounds did.

"I don't want to tell you about her because I don't want you to feel inferior."
The deepest cut you've made lol. Tonight's the first time I truly faced the fights we had and I realised that they were always about her. Everything else could be solved but when it comes to her, I'm always the enemy.
Does it really matter? I doubt so.


"Eh don't bully her, I think she's quite cute."
The reason why I was so upset is not all those crap reasons I came up with. It's because I desperately hoped that you were on my side. But like everyone else, you don't realise that I'm every bit as fragile as the next person.



I don't want more than what I can have.
I guess it's true that only those who truly knows you for you would realise that you always wanted was something simple.



Sometimes I really wish I could start crying in the middle of a crowd of people I know, and start yelling that it hurts. Seems like it's the only way people will remember that no one's really the blocks of steel they make themselves out to be.
I don't want pity, I just want to show that I'm afterall, human.

because at the end of the day, people never really do give you a second chance. you're always judged on what you've done and because you are who you used to be, there's no need for explanation.



it's alright. I'm so fickle, I don't hurt at all.

falling for someone I shouldn't fall for

giving up someone I can't give up







I'm nineteen years old.

can't sleep, can't figure out how to.

when you're having a bad day, everything will follow suit downhill and even people you thought would turn the tables around end up pushing you down.

Lincoln says:
teddy bear wth
dont lie
its a basketball
everything in your house all related to basketball one i know
maychew always. says:
HAHAHA
Lincoln says:
bedsheet is basketball one
pillow IS a basketball
maychew always. says:
actually no, I don't even have my own bball
my life doesn't revolve around it
my room super girly okay
Lincoln says:
it revolves around you
maychew always. says:
except for the mess
Lincoln says:
woah super girly
i dont dare to imagine
LOL
maychew always. says:
HAHAHAHHAAHAH
Lincoln says:
got pads on the wall
as wallpaer?
maychew always. says:
...
that's too much chicken
Lincoln says:
LOL
eh
dont think wrongly
i meant
unused ones
...
maychew always. says:
...



idiot. lol

to say I'm beyond pissed is an understatement.

I should have blogged, long long ago, but I've been the coward I am. All that I've done is to run away from my problems and not allow myself to think at all.


I should have talked about camp. There were the moments when the walls I've built around me crumbled and I was left vulnerable to attacks. Then there was also times when I was forced into doing things against my will that scared me so much I was left trembling and quiet. At the end of it, I was left with pretty much nothing - no pride, no self-esteem, no kokmaychew's confidence or the aura that I used to muster.


Relationships are so fragile, I'm becoming really exhausted at trying to maintain them.
What's with the secondguessing, cold wars and secrets?


Seems like my ideas of true love and friendship are just products of cliches and fairytales; at the end of the day, it's all about politics and the appeal of one's appearances.

Lincoln says:
WHERE NOT HAPPY
Jia Jie says:
WHAT WHAT
maychew always. says:
HAHAHAHA
Lincoln says:
i know your
ear stud
bigger than my gf one
LOL
Jia Jie says:
BIGGER SO WHAT NOT HAPPY ASK UR GF COME
Lincoln says:
sorry da ge



funniest conversation for the night HAHAHA

Lincoln says:
LOL im not
dont be so sad liao la u
its not all a bad thing cheer up
okok go sleep
NIGHT!








feels great to have people being nice to you (:

遇到对的人是种缘分

我不得不承认

女生还是该要有分寸

你要去瞄准你要的人

不再被动的等

送上嘴唇变成你的人



我认识一个女孩

她天真活泼可爱

在等待

有个人可以给她一身三千宠爱

不需要很有钱不需要很帅

她脾气古怪

有时候包容有时候你必须忍耐



为什么她竟然爱上他

她到底在想什么

她是否忘了帅哥不能爱

是什么让她乱了方寸

不知道该做什么

我想说这怎么可能

她舍得舍弃自己的尊严与爱好

女追男的游戏一点都不害臊

一天到晚在他身边又闹又吵

只为了能够被他瞪一眼就好



看她在这边而他在那边

她想被他捧在手心上面

而他装做视而不见

脑袋中却浮现

眼前尽是她在微笑的画面



要快乐不要难过不要谎言要承诺

他和她的爱情绝不懒惰

就算有不安定的因素随时出没

她也能排除万难和他一起渡过

渡过这漫漫长冬长冬后满面春风

春风吹到他心中心中尽是无限的感动

她不再去注意他任何的一举一动

才发现自己早已不小心陷入其中




他知道我想是他知道

所有她的一切他都知道

他看到了她如此掏肺掏心

心里早就想把她抱紧

不管未来艰难险阻再多

只管现在能够相爱再说

想一起完成的事情太多

就怕时间不够




say that you love me
say that you care




Talked to lincoln till now and I've never laughed so much and so hard at the computer screen ever.
But besides the jokes, there was also the truth.
No one has ever told me the ugly truth that seems to be reality.
Mushroomhead didn't, big salt didn't, M1 didn't, number 10 didn't, superman didn't, nana didn't, cuzzie didn't, bf didn't, shortie didn't, brother didn't, piggybro didn't.
For someone who had so many really really really close guy friends, I seem to be kept in the dark too.




I realised that I was really too idealistic, too naive and too illogical when it comes to love.




Disiullusioned is my description.
and now I no longer know what I can believe in anymore.

These two days, I've been overwhelmed with anger to the extent where I don't even know where all that pent up unhappiness came from.


Had a really bad nightmare which consisted of many different stories put together and each one depicting the fears and bad experiences haunting me subconsciously. For the first time ever, I woke up out of fear.


Never paint a beautiful picture about anything or anyone because that only leaves room for disappointment when you realised that you're disillusioned.


From Tekong to Pasir Lebar, the distance between where I am and where you are is much shorter than it used to be. But that doesn't change the rate at which the distance between you and me is increasing.

really touched today by someone so I'm dedicating this post to him (:



we'll walk out of our miseries together, we will.

what exactly am I waiting for again?



amber lights never turn green, do they?

feeling really blessed because the person I expected the greatest uneasiness from turned out to be my greatest comfort (:

I keep waiting for nothing to happen.



Yesterday was when I turned nineteen and I'm thankful for the wonderful friends who have made the effort to celebrate it with me (:



I'm not angry that you forgot. I thought I should be, but I'm not.
It's more of a sinking realisation that the distance between us grows larger and larger.



Going away tomorrow for a camp till next friday then flying off next sunday.

kind of traumatised by xiaxue's plastic surgery photographs.
It's really disgusting.
I think Mike's awesome though (: definitely the kind of guy to marry.


Rooming with onghuiming :D really really happy :D I think I blogged about this before but it still makes me happy :D



Drove an autocar today at tenplus and it's so much slacker as compared to manual which is practically driving a bull. Driving at night's nice except that pedestrians are barely visible so I didn't stop for this man in BLACK who was halfway through the zebra crossing. Immediate failure #4. Yeah did a turn from the wrong lane, drove on the chevron marking and mounted the curb. The instructor said I might break the record for highest number of immediate failures issued in one driving test.



Donating blood on friday!
Good karma come come



oh yeah, someone didn't reply me today :(

going to be roomates with onghuiming that's so much better than the "randomly assign a roomate" option (:



had a very emotional talk today and there isn't much I can say except that forgiveness is a virtue.
can bad temper be removed surgically?

Teammies celebrated my birthday today and like what cindy said to me before she got off the bus - today was really great (:


Being a cynic, I did expect today to turn out a mess seeing how outings tend to have the danger of ending really badly. Wanted to message you on my way there but I knew you would have told me to keep a positive mindset so I didn't talk about it at all (plus you were so happy and excited I didn't want to sound like a flop).


Sixth birthday celebrated with Derniese Goh, Cindy Chan, Mok Yingming and Zeena Tan (I'm so old) :D
What started out as something we were supposed to do has become a family tradition (:



THANKS for the "breakup and rejections" book luh! Hahahaha (:


I'm proud to say that I consider these four wonderful wonderful people my family even though there have been rough times because nothing changes our six year (and counting) bond. LOVES.

ohmyfreakinggod ian the fucktard from obs "is in a relationship"
it better be just a joke because I cannot fathom why ANYONE would go for such a thing.
gosh.

talked to tanpeiting and finally another one going to ntu (:
she was damn cute luh. She only realised that I was going ntu too after we talked for fifteen minutes.
So by the time she was damn excited, my excitement wore off already HAHA.

maychew always says:
by the wayyyyyyyyyy
do you know what's happening next friday?

says:
hahaha
it's one day before my POP?

maychew always says:
and then?

says:
it's one day before saturday?

maychew always says:
good job! :D
and then?

says:
it's one day after thursday!

maychew always. says:
I'm narrowing my eyes at you
. .

says:
it's... your birthday!

maychew always. says:
:D
yay

says:
hahaha
i can't celebrate with you cos i'm in camp, but perhaps afterwards?




it's little things like these that make me happy (:
Maybe everyone thinks I'm being silly, but it's okay because you said everyone's silly in their own way (:

feeling really really sick and nauseous since yesterday, I wonder if I'll puke my guts out on the cruise tomorrow :(

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.

not all scars show not all wounds heal sometimes you can't always see how someone feels

Today has been pretty much soul-searching because of conversations with kids as well as plenty of free time to think think think.


It started off with my p6 student asking me if I like to make friends. I think it's pretty much amusing to be asked that question. Usually I would just raise my eyebrow at such rhetorical questions (or so I thought). However, it made me realise that there aren't many people whom I consider as friends.

Porhow calls everyone he has said hi to his friends but aren't friends people you care about and have personal exchanges with? I can't imagine caring about every single person I crack jokes with/on (that's plenty) or trusting people who I make small talk with (oh, the torture).

In my opinion, the title "friend" indicates a special bond you share with that particular person and you know you would be there with him/her through good times and bad times. As such, I am proud to say that 'I have five friends, best friend not included." Okay, maybe that number might have increased with a change of people since that was my slogan in sec4.



Then, my extremely intelligent p2 nanyang girl expressed her view on privacy. We were talking about 'your hand in mine' and I proudly told her that I did watch yesterday's episode when liqin slapped aizhen because she said she could go out with anyone she wanted. I think I've only watched ten episodes of that soap drama and she was a worshipper for the show.

She said that even when two people form a family, one should never decide who the other person can meet or can go to. They just cannot.

That was impressive, I swear. Up till she started telling me about her parents quarelling all the time and how she would stand there to watch because "they were putting on a good show". Kids are scary these days.

An eight-year-old could argue for the respect of others' freedom even though she knows nothing about the so-called westernise human rights whereas eighteen-year-olds go about putting leashes on their loved ones and forget that we are all indeed, individuals.



Subsequently, I thought about you. I thought about why we're suddenly at this cooling stage which is a drastic change from the previous week. I remembered you talking to me on wednesday after disappearing for three days because you wanted to tell me about everything that has been going through your mind.


Then, everything hit me. Faith. If I had faith in you back then, we wouldn't have those fights. If I had faith in us back then, we wouldn't have destroyed what we had built. You may be gone, but you'll be back because I'm the one you want to share the little pieces you find in your life with. It's the same with me when I run miles and miles away but I'll still fly back to you, every single time.

one in six billion

can you book out or can I book in?
cause time spent without you is time spent thinking,
but time spent with you is time spent giggling.



was supposed to text you last night but I didn't
I keep thinking and it always a full circle



when you say "hey (:" last night I was truly shocked, because it was magic.
how do I find another person who appears telepathically

onghuiming where are you? :(


so freaking sunburnt I'm black and I'm red


there's something I need to tell everyone and yet I don't know how to and saying it here makes me feel so irresponsible. I'm so sorry for always being a complete utter d.




Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect



I'm far from it.

I don't know what to say, and I'm frustrated beyond belief.

I can't believe I'm amused by myself trying to give others a shock close to the middle of the night.
You've turned me into this psychotic woman I can't recognise myself but I don't want to anyway.


Every time I look at tdx's wall it's an immediate heartache.
But looking at what he says to his sister I realise that maybe, just maybe, the little boy who sings silly love songs, calls and asks if you're hungry when he's buying dinner, buys and delivers food to you, remembers your birthday, draws you a really ugly card even though he tried his best, buys you cute birthday presents, calls you all the time, keeps you company when you can't sleep and waits for you at your school gate with brownies at sunrise isn't dead afterall (:



good times, good people.

It doesn't hurt.
Why in the world would anyone think that it hurts when the person you love forgets you?
strange.


I don't believe in 11:11 anymore.
What a stupid idea to believe that the person you care about would think of you at 11:11.



I won't leave if you tell me not to go.
The best thing is you don't even know I'm leaving.

really really bad day and it doesn't help looking at you yet knowing you don't see me at all.
I keep telling myself that the pain will tide over soon, only because there isn't anything else left to say.

thought about a lot when I was jogging and trying to prepare my rusty muscles for training tomorrow
but somehow being able to recognise the problem and yet being unable to find a solution is of no help at all


maybe it's like what you taught me - to just force yourself to stay away
what a joke luh.

losing that bit of faith I have and everything suddenly appears to be so fcked up
when you start questioning every single thing, it feels as if there's nothing left.



like I said, the problem with emotional attachment is that you become so broken and lost when you're alone and there's no way to control it.


can't move forward to fight for what you want, can't run away from your heart,
all that's left is waiting for something that never comes.

so cute (:

someone had a fever and still listened to me rambling about silly stuff
then asked me to message him if I still want to talk when he was going to bed



H's right- I've got you and that's enough (:

trying to convince ongpangyong to take a bus to johor with me to shop and he's freaking skeptical but I'm a good conman ;)



there are things that I'll only do when I need to.

get me out of here

never felt more worthless- I wonder if I'll ever amount to anything.
I guess I'm just not cut out to be anything.



it's a lot of pain that drains your energy away, and all you want to do is to shrink into nothing at all.




you don't see me as a failure the way I didn't question your ability when things went wrong,
so you never ever take me seriously when I tell you I feel so useless. You're great at making me feel better, but painkillers take away the pain but not the shame.

rainy days are great because I get to wake up at 12 to eat and then sleep all the way to 6 (:
rainy days are great because your activites are all cancelled and you get to play the whole day!
rainy days are great because we get to talk and laugh on the phone together :D



Two phone calls in a three days and you said you haven't even called home yet.
Heehee :D



when you're around, I find the strength to do what I know is right.

THOUSANDTH POST

Firstly, I passed my final theory evaluation on my first attempt :D Someone laughed at me for having to take my basic theory evaluation twice luh!


Anyway, got your call five minutes before the evaluation and I was panicking because I felt very torn to have to hang up so soon but it was fine because you said you had four minutes to lights out (: Silver for IPPT and you're not satisfied with your speed but in my opinion, you're superman luh! Felt really loved when you asked about my day and actually listened to me talk about it :D


AND it did make you excited when you saw my message about how sime darby has bases in Queensland hurhur. When you asked me to appeal to work there I couldn't help but smile like an idiot in the hallway (:



For the past few days I keep asking myself if going overseas in two months is really what I want but now I'm not that disheartened anymore. If I stay here it'll only be two years more and then it's still goodbye forever but if I try my best and maybe, just maybe, I get the scholarship, I'll have a chance to visit you frequently (:



It'll probably hurt a lot when I get rejected and I might hide in a corner to cry over being a failure but it's worse if I back out of a battle without even a fight.



Putting my heart and pride on the line, just to pursue the life I really really want (with you).

one more post and then it's one thousand posts on this blog :o


I'm really tired from research but I'd say I'm very very productive and it feels so much less stressful to have something done than nothing at all.


Anyway thanks mohammud ali for the entertaining mock interview that proved to be purely entertaining.



Going to text you and then go to bed before long long day awaits :/ Somehow I'm not the only one who is upset about their loved one going overseas eh. We're both avoiding the topic it's quite funny actually (:

At present, Sime Darby Industrial has exclusive Caterpillar distribution rights for the sale and rental of Caterpillar heavy equipment, parts and service support in Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong SAR, Brunei, The People's Republic of China (7 provinces), the states of Queensland and Northern Territory of Australia, Papua New Guinea, New Caledonia, the Solomon Islands, Nauru, the Republic of Maldives and Christmas Island (Indian Ocean).



oh my god queensland :D

got nagged at by zhenyang for not signing up for orientation camp
he was like please go for your own sake
I feel like a kid sometimes, lol.


ANYWAY BAICHIMING LET'S JUST GO TO THE SAME CAMP LUH. Go for general ones I guess. The student union one and the outdoor activities club one and the sports camp sound look decent. I'm so not going to the engineering camps because it's said to be male populated and there are always pigs on forums asking if they'll get to see girls. wtf.


I can't imagine orientation without you, can't imagine university life without you, can't imagine Singapore without you, can't imagine my life without you but I can't imagine telling you not to go there if it's really what you want. Not preparing for university to start in August and not thinking about packing list to UK because I don't have the energy to plan for anything that doesn't include you.

and you cutely message me when I'm thinking about you (:

我不太浪漫你说很习惯

我的肩膀给你很多安全感

握紧你的手用全力向天空尽情呐喊


我会很爱很爱你一百个世纪

很爱很爱你没人能代替

未来旅行 walkman纪录着爱情

我的心永远不变

我会很爱你黑夜到黎明

很爱很爱你四季不休息

打开walkman 随时就能听见你

feel my heart 我最爱最爱的你


this song reminds me of you so much (:

OH YEAH HAPPY OUR DAY! :D


still with much much love, no matter what happens (:



maychew always. says:
many a times we try very hard to get the things we want and yet somehow no matter how hard we try we can't prevent losing them eventually.
W. says:
:)
rmb this smile?
maychew always. says:
HAHA HAUNTS ME MANXZ

I'm falling sick from having to wake up early every single day since monday :/



I really wanted to blog about today but climbing up and down looking for my notes has rendered me exhausted, lol. Had a really great day though (:


Next week's kind of packed and tsressful.
Going to drive in a simulator on monday and then work work work.
Tuesday's work and six hours or more at the driving school.
Wednesday's shopping day in town and then work at night
Thursday's my facial appointment (so I look really groomed for my interview), then school to get my cert with baichiming before researching in the national library for places to visit in hongkong and macau (:
Friday's the interview (yikes) and then work of course.
THEN YOU BOOK OUT :D

LML

this weekend's the best I've had but I'm watching "The Breakup" now so I'll blog later!


Two phone calls in a week and a promised one by thursday night I Love My Life.
I love you so so much.

(:

maychew always. says:
(:
I do wonder why i do such stuff for your though

says:
mmm maybe cos you know i can't do some stuff on my own (:

maychew always. says:
tsk luh what will you do without me luh hmph.



the addict I have no idea how to quit.

it's so tiring to go out on dates!


you have to wake up at 12.50 because you're running late.
then your date asks you what you're wearing and when you say "shorts" you're asked to go and change into nicer clothes.
then when someone very important finally calls, you have to talk on the phone for twenty minutes and feel apologetic towards your date.
tsk.


Anyway was the best date we'ver ever ever had in my opinion. Mexican food was alright but I think the chips were really nice. Dessert at Haagen Daaz was pretty romantic except that the waiter saw through our ploy.



And there's another date tomorrow :O 11a.m. at Aljunied is probably going to kill me simply because it's in the east and I have to wake up by 9 :(
At least I get to drink my wang qing shui and hopefully forget someone (: And we must watch "she's out of my league"! :D



Today's truly fantastic. I used to think that it's meaningless when we are shown more concern only after we tell the person how we feel. Then I realised that it's stupid because this is a form of communication that is needed in relationships and it shows that the other person really cares about you when he listens to what you want and tries to change for you (:


For the first time, I managed to tell you about the things that have been running through my mind. Hearing you laughing at me makes me feel silly for getting trapped in my own thoughts (: I think you were trying to tell me to stay in Singapore even if I do get my scholarship because we both know that we've only got two years left with each other. If I go, it'll be reduced to three months before everything ends. I tried to sound as if I wouldn't stay for you even though these days I keep questioning my choice to go UK. I don't know what to do either but like you said, "just try first luh".


I called you by something I wasn't supposed to and my heart went on overdrive.

zhenyang; says:
i might wanna take life sciences or biological sciences
i was helping out my jnrs friends with bio
and i realised i simply love bio too much
maychew always. says:
(:
teaching tuition made me realise I'm a physics geek



feels nice to know there are also other people crazy about things we hated so much in school (:

tired of staring at a phone that never rings when I need you.

broke my heart on sunday
drank like f on monday
puked like crazy on tuesday
hungover's a bitch on wednesday
missed you on thursday
and disappointment on friday


I'm getting very very tired.
but you don't know because you never have the time for my silly questions anymore
but you don't know because you're too tired to hear my stupid stories anymore
but you don't know because it's not your fault.


everyone's right.
I need to move on.

ongpangyong you're such an idiot for asking me out just when I reach home. ugh.

typing long messages and deleting them takes its toll on you when you really really just want to talk to that person that occupies half your thoughts all the time.

wanted to keep my friday night free so I could talk to you when you book out, but that's only making things worse isn't it.



I need to go out tomorrow night.


oh great luh, trust P aka supper buddy to be busy on a day when I really need to do midnight shopping at ntuc.

"please please take care of yourself at least until then!"


I could do almost everything for you, but really, taking care of myself is something far too difficult.
Forced myself to say I'll hang in there so you won't have to worry about me but now that I think about the message sent at threeplus a.m. I doubt it was convincing.



Mad heavy downpour when I was leaving sy's place to go to w's and her grandma was asking me if I need an umbrella . I said I could just run to the bus-stop. She looked pretty much bewildered and scared for my life and insisted on lending me an umbrella. So much for taking care of myself :/



Well, I've decided my strategy is to not tell you about how pale and weak I looked today because I was pretty much dying. I really need to consider my alcohol plan when I'm married eh.


Two more crazy days before you're back (:

when someone..


wakes at 3a.m. to text you
apologises all the time for being busy
explains for you why you drank because you refuse to
remains completely gentle even though you're wrong
tells you not to do things simply because he cares
tells you that you know him the best
reminds you to take care of yourself constantly
makes you laugh when he's exhausted and sleepy


you wonder if it's really the remnants of alcohol numbing the pain (:



Even though puking your guts out again and again sucks, alcohol sure helps you fall asleep by twoplus rather than five.



Locking this blog the next time I post because not everyone deserves to have access to my thoughts when I'm not in the mood to keep out genuine stuff. Those who are already invited can just log in to continue reading luh (:


// leaving this post on for another day so onghuiming can realise that she is already invited so she can log in when I lock it.

alcohol makes you feel miserable, but like I said, it distracts you from what your heart's feeling.



I think he's angry that I went to drink, but nothing's within our control anymore isn't it.

what hurts the most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

start of zombie days

tried to lie in bed at 2plus to wait for sleep to come
the moment I closed my eyes I saw you
but that's not a surprise anymore
cried again and again there's just so much left unshed
sat in the dark till dawn just staring into space
dying from the hunger pangs and yet nothing feels right enough to put into my mouth
I'm degrading, at a scary rate.

my life's a cliche and I'm a drama queen.



baichiming, only you know how forlorn I can get, how lifeless I can look and how torn I can be. I'm glad that if I don't get to leave I've got you in NTU.
Jiemei forever even though I'm zhong se qing you (I ADMIT IT K) lol

告诉你 瞒着你 只不过是个决定

放弃你 忘记你 只怕我无法前进

不知道为什么会如此莫名紧张你

我越了解你 越靠近你 越犹豫


明知道我爱你 却不敢告诉你

我害怕失去你 宁愿沉默不语

该如何整理 幸福在手里

我恨自己 无能为力


明知道我爱你 却不敢靠近你

我假装不在意 反而痛了自己

多痛都可以 不能没有你

只想永远永远爱你

你知不知道我也没关系

my heart aches with every heartbeat, pain can't be exaggerated anymore.
tried to hard to no longer be an emotional wreck but now I'm falling back to square one.
how do you go on climbing when you've lost your source of energy.
my life's a series of FMLs.

you need to stop being so nice to me cause I can't keep crying the whole night wtf.



I'm going to try my damned best to get the scholarship and go to manchester.
I need to drink till I can't spell my own name tomorrow night with my designated drink buddies (:


if not, what the hell am I supposed to do waiting for the day you leave?
what the fuck is wrong with my life, what the fuck?

you know something's wrong when I'm doing blog quizzes

- 50 little secrets -

1. Who was your last text from?
- (:

2. Where was your default picture taken?
- At the canteen

3. Your relationship status?
- Shall not answer because baichiming will try to shoot whatever I say luh. Don't think I don't know you were trying to set me up yesterday! lol luckily rislow was damn slow HAHAHA

4. Have you ever lost a close friend?
- Yup, but those that truly mattered are back in my life again (:

5. What is your current mood?
- Moody.

6. How many siblings do you have?
- Three (damn crowded)

7. What is your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
- Too much information.

8. Where do you wish you were right now?
- Nowhere actually.

9. Has a crazy side?
- Hmm, don't think so? LOL

10. Ever had a near death experience?
- Too many to count.

11. Something you do alot?
- Be stupid and then regret it.

12. Angry at someone?
- Yeah, MANY.

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
- Good question.

14. When was the last time you cried?
- Too recent.

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?
- Yeah, more than one.

16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
- How can you think when you're falling asleep?

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
- Singtel customer service -.-

18. What is your favourite song?
- THE WHEELS ON THE TRAIN GO ROUND AND ROUND (sung at the top of my lungs when my bab brother is sleeping)

19. What are you doing right now?
- Waiting for a phone call (:

20. Who do you trust now?
- People I love, jiemeis and friends. Like duh.

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
- CLass teee

22. Have you kissed someone in the past few weeks?
- Kiss where?

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
- baichiming, sadly.

24. Describe your life in one word.
- FML

25. Who are you thinking of right now?
- Rhetorical question

26. What should you be doing right now?
- TALKING ON THE PHONE

27. What are you listening to?
- crazy nephews shouting

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
- ZEENA

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
-Wow, I can't remember. It doesn't happen often. Oh I forgot my mom.

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?
- BIMBO.

31. What is your natural hair colour?
- Pink

32. Who was the last person who made you laugh?
- Don't remember laughing lately.. Oh yeah when I drove on the curb.

33. Who was the last person who made you sad?
- Hmm, more of myself I guess.

34. What do you hear?
- Noiseeeeeeeeeee

35. Is your hair curly or straight?
- Curly, but I'm thinking of getting them straightened..

36. Has anyone called you ''scrumptious'' before?
- Siao.

37. Do you have a bestfriend?
- Yes?

38. Held hands with the opposite sex for the past 3 days?
- Definitely.

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
- Have you seen one yet?

40. Have you ever change clothes in a vehicle?
-All the time.

41. Are you happy with your life right now?
- No.

42. Are you currently jealous?
- No.

43. What jewelry are you currently wearing?
- Spectacles.

44. What were you doing on a friday night?
- Clark quay!

45. Have you ever had your heart brokened?
- Who hasn't?
.
46. Have you ever broke someone's heart?
- Who hasn't?

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
- Myself.

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor's for?
- Feverrr

49. How late did you stay up last night and why?
- 3plus. Emoing -.-

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
- Damn, no.

fml

okay it took me ten seconds to regret it.

WANNA CALL YOU SO BAD, LOVE.

Increased the number of posts to be displayed because there are certain posts I would like to keep for self-amusement lol.


Tonight, baichiming and I have conquered the arduous task of booking plane tickets, hotel rooms and ocean park tickets :D Really glad to leave annoyance behind and have a good long break (: I'm entertaining the thought of not coming back already HAHA


Watching the news diligently because everyone wants it to go down down down down down lol.



Going on a short trip with P to Malaysia next week or the week after!
Universal studios with mingming soon! (:


I like how time passes so quickly because it's day 4 already :D
No idea how women can stand having their husbands sent to war for many years.
Gateway to depression man.



although it's not fun to give the game away, but I've decided to drop a clue:
a drunk man always says he's sober
AND THE REASON WHY I'M DROPPING THE CLUE IS BECAUSE INTELLIGENCE IS NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND IT!
(otherwise being able to ask me for the answer works too)

suddenly rather depressed about my sime darby scholarship :/
I doubt I'll make it through the crazy assessment and even if I do, interview round is supposed to be damn tough.
They give out ten scholarships in Malaysia. Die luh.
Plus I must go to University of Manchester because they don't approve of edinburg nor UCL CHEMEng.


THE GOOD THING IS I HAVE FOUR MORE YEARS WITH ONGHUIMING :D SAME CCA (GEEK CLUB) LOL.
Lunch together, holiday together, mug together, intern together (:

I totally knew onghuiming wouldn't be able to wake up when she told me to message her when I reach home. tsk. I appeared online for her luh, so rare.



Anyway I'm going to Macau and Hongkong with baichiming in July if nothing goes wrong (: We're supposedly taking the plane at 11/7 at 10 p.m. to reach at 2a.m. in Macau to watch the sunrise lol. Two nights at the casinoes then take a ferry to Hong Kong for another two nights. GOING TO SEE DOLPHINS AT THE OCEAN PARK :D Coming back on the 18th close to midnight :(



Everyone should come and see me off because it might be the last chance you'll get to see me. The reason is simple: the person I'm going with is exactly what her name says about her - bai chi ming. I'm afraid five minutes after touch down I'll need to locate the Singapore Embassy to report a missing Singaporean -.- Given my perfectly feminine character, I've zero sense of direction so I'll probably end up in tibet.



Therefore, this trip would really be a test of my strength, wisdom and ability. lol.



I've thought of a list of people I will and will not buy presents for but that's for later. Right now, I need to make sure that we do actually manage to book our hotels and plane seats.



Anyway, today is doubly amusing! That's a feat and Y can be my witness because I called her last night to laugh and she couldn't stop laughing too :D


Had my driving instructor silently praying for his life while I tried to master turning right without killing anyone else. After almost crashing five times on the road if the instructor hadn't forcefully taken over the wheel, I thought going back to the driving school would be safe. However, that was not meant to be.


In the school circuit, I drove on the curb. Yes, that's nothing new. But usually, only one wheel goes on it before I try to get back down. Today, half the car was on the curb and it looked damn hilarious I swear I couldn't stop laughing even though the instructor was trying to get me to drive us off the curb.


He passed me for my right turn module though. But I've got this feeling it's because the management is hoping I'll get my license soon so I'll stop going to school.
I hope so too. HAHA


Missing you! loves.



// the photo of the moment plus its tagline on xiaxue's blog is damn classic. lol

damn funny, lol.
shit, I'm really damn amused.
I need to stop laughing but it's really damn funny!


Shall keep it in though ;D

LOVED

The last time you said that was after prom. I admit that I thought you no longer felt the same way after all those fights and cold wars we had.


Half a year later, at 5.30a.m. just before you go into the jungle, I heard it.



All I want to say to anyone who reads this blog is that maybe many people tell you that they love you all the time, but when you hear it from someone who only says it when he/she really means it, it's another state of euphoria with happiness that can last you a long long time (:


You could say it's being stingy with words, but I think certain things are about quality rather than quantity. (:

The whole world probably heard about the investigation into the misuse of public funds by a certain infamous organisation. My mom was like "see, the singer ate your money!" trust aunties to have great imagination and perfect selective hearing.


Then again the retort I heard by a dumbass was that people are jealous of the convention or whatever-it-is so they try to stir up trouble. I had to bite my tongue to say "who gives a damn about that man."

In my opinion, I doubt there's anything to even feel remotely envious of because firstly, people who aren't directly involved probably do not even know (nor do they want to know) about it. Secondly, the questions were raised even before the convention when the organisation refused to provide a public report of the use of the organisation's funds (read that in straits times months ago). Thirdly, I don't see a reason for people to be jealous of an organisation simply because they organised a convention. It is simply juvenile to say that the organisation is set up by people who are jealous.


Personally, I'm just glad that the government is now being more proactive with regards to safeguarding civillians' money. Ubiquitous reports of the misuse of public funds have proven the need for stricter regulation of public bodies especially when money is involved. A supposed non-profit organisation having a stake in the nation's well-known convention and commercial centre does eerily remind people of golden taps in a certain bulding's toilet, doesn't it?


I'm not saying anything's certain (neither am I assuming that), but rather, only time willl tell.

When I saw what you wrote on your wall, I felt an emotion which cannot be explained. It was as if I felt cheated, disappointed, left out, angry and ignorant but not eactly. I also didn't like the narcisstic guy's comment on how you could talk to him during the trip. You told me you were alright, an hour after you posted that. I thought you were fine but I should have known better if I wasn't half-asleep.


Then I realised that it's stupid to get upset at someone who didn't want you to worry and was trying to hold up so he could wish you a better day ahead too . When you said the hellhole makes you learn to appreciate so many things you never once did, I know I've got a share in it (:



I've been trying to be better but lately when everything piles on, I'm losing focus. But looking at you, I realised that I'm not the only one trying to be better. You're doing really great too (: So I'm going to try even harder to be much better!



By the way, I'm so sorry for being moody, bitchy, pms-y, anti-social, self-absorbed and dao these days. This goes out to many many people :x



Five days without a phone sucks balls (your choice of words, not mine :P )
It's good practice shoudl I really leave for three years. Mmhmm.

"I'd like to think that talking to me is very relaxing based on how you fall asleep so often when you're on the phone with me (:"

"as a matter of fact it is (:"




so not relaxing when you've got an erratic heartbeat on the other end luh.
whatever it is, I'm missing you.

pms bitch and emo kid

two moody and silly kids, talking on the phone
she keeps fake laughing and he's just stoned
first comes silence and then it's gone
life's a lot better when we're not alone



macau hongkong macau hongkong macau hongkong


completely exhausted I want a shelter.

hey baby

going nuts with accreditation, direct honours, bell curve and ranking.



please don't reject him without an interview luh.

Sime darby assessment was rather psychotic. I couldn't find my phone and pimple cream at first which made me feel as if my day was going to be screwed. However, there were some nice people there so we chatted and I started joking which was quite amazing (thanks to reading The Fine Art of Small Talk lol) Then someone messaged me and my phone rang so I found my stuff :D



I thought that the probably got half of the two hundred people who went for the first round of assessment. However, I realised that only twenty-four of us were shortlisted :o And well, two didn't turn up for my session so that leaves only 22 max. I'm really shocked seeing how my tests were probably not fantastic but I've got this feeling they liked my personality from the personality results (:



The individual presentation was fun because it was about pitching a plan to improve the company and I'm quite sure I did more than great (though my legs were shivering) because I put on my best poker face :D (stagnant confident smile) The assessor actually said she was impressed by me.



Group discussion was a blur and roleplay was crazy. I'll probably reenact the scene to H on thurs, J and Y on friday and P and X really soon. And of course, you (:


Regardless of whether I get the scholarship, I'm proud to get this far. 24 finalists for the scholarship luh!



Haunted by the NTU NUS chem engineering thing again. I'll always stand on the NTU side but there's this fear or regretting not listening to the people who have been trying to brainwash me. However, getting that reaffirmation from you that ranking really doesn't matter, I feel certain aout my choice (:


Twelve minute phone call sucked because I knew you didn't have time so I didn't want to take up your time either. But it was still really nice of you to call me just because I sounded very emotional the other day. Thanks for standing on my side and not doubting me at all (: I really don't like the sound of you coughing though you came up with some lame excuse about how everyone coughs.



"i miss you i miss you i miss you"
"just so you know, I miss you too (:"

what's wrong



sime darby stuff tomorrow. crazy work schedule for the holidays. fml



onghuiming lend me some gayness on thursday, I ran out of my optimism shit.

absolutely shit day.



where are you where are you where are you



如果超人会飞

那就让我在空中停一停歇

再次俯瞰这个世界

会让我觉得好一些

拯救地球好累

虽然有些疲惫但我还是会

不要问我哭过了没

因为超人不能流眼泪

我睁开眼睛 却感觉不到天亮

东西吃一半 莫名其妙哭一场

我忍住不想 时间变得更漫长

也与你有关 否则又开始胡思乱想

我日月无光 忙得不知所以然

找朋友交谈 其实全帮不上忙

以为会习惯 有你在才是习惯

你曾住在我心上 现在空了一个地方

原来爱情这么伤 比想象中还难

泪水总是不听话 幸福躲起来不声不响

太多道理太牵强 道理全是一样

说的时候很简单 爱上后却正巧打乱



我日月无光 忙得不知所以然

找朋友交谈 其实全帮不上忙

以为会习惯 有你在才是习惯

你曾住在我心上 现在空了一个地方

原来爱情这么伤 比想象中还难

泪水总是不听话 幸福躲起来不声不响

太多道理太牵强 道理全是一样

说的时候很简单 爱上后却正巧打乱



只想变的坚强 强到能够去忘

无所谓悲伤 只要学会抵抗

原来爱情这么伤

原来爱情是这样 这样峰回路转

泪水明明流不干 瞎了眼还要再爱一趟

有一天终于打完 思念的一场战

回过头再看一看

原来爱情那么伤

下次还会不会这样


forgot to reply and when I did I think I missed your bedtime. It feels weird not getting a message from you before you sleep. You book at 8a.m. book in 8.00p.m., I go to work at 8.30a.m. end at 8.30p.m.


funny how I miss you (literally and figuratively) all the time.

"if you're being upset right now, don't be! cause astrologers predicted from the phenomenon of the earth rotating without the use of batteries that tall guys with dimples will suffer from balding if they are unhappy"


(: yes it sucks that everywhere I turn there are bald men who just booked out, but you're still in there.

got my NTU college scholarship, called you and laughed over it together (:


today's probably the best day I've had so far this week.
I still can remember the way you went "huh?" when I said bye to let you go to sleep.
Then I asked you if you still wanted to talk to me and you quickly collected your cool and went "uh yea, I've still got half an hour".


love. :D

drama less please.

today's a bad day. even j messaged me to admit that I was right that today's a bad day.



korean food at north point, match at yishun, mos at woodlands, tuition at admiralty and shopping at west mall, and yet I've only genuinely smiled thrice.


There were a lot of mixed feelings watching the match but the moment I saw w I realised that no matter what happens, I've got to support one of the most important people in my life, someone I truly love. She was there for me when I fell and that's all that really matter. When I hugged her after the match, I could truly feel her happiness so I've got to say that I'm glad SHE won ( won't say about the same about certain people though).



Anyway I don't think you've got the time to read my blog anymore but sunk, I'm truly proud of you and I meant what I said about how you're the mvp in my eyes with or without the title. Maybe this match wasn't your best, but I know how much you've put in and how much you want this, more than anyone else. You did it, captain (: and yes, finally mvp after so long lol. On a side note, I know I've got the best side notes ;)



In case anyone's wondering, the side note will be kept confidential.



We almost had our first fight in many many days. I don't know if it was because you were jealous about what I said about her. That would be dumb because no one ever outranks you. Luckily I swallowed my venom after seething through dinner and guys just can't sense anger much. So we narrowly escaped a fight (yay) and I used my pitiful tone to make you feel bad luh.



There are many things which are painful but I don't want to say it here. Shared bits and pieces with many people but there'll be some which I'll keep to myself. Almost wanted to ask P to go drinking with me but that doesn't really work because you'll be angry at me and I don't want to drive with alcohol in me tomorrow. It'll be dumb to be charged for drunk driving before I get my license seriously.



Most embarrassing moment of the day:
Went with P to get his underwear and the cashier thought we were together so when he was paying she turned to me who was standing at the side to make sure the size is correct. Gee thanks.

Today hasn't been great, but you are. (:

trust in yourself

the present's bleak but because you believe in me the way I believe in you, I've got the courage to go on.

I've officially gone mad, lol.



"I'm secretly happy that you're not an island away :)"
"i wish i didn't have to go back either but the choice isn't mine"



and I'm glad it made you laugh when I called at two plus just to say goodnight (:

这杯咖啡忘了加糖

真不是我那么伤感

世界太复杂你说单纯很难

我当然都明白



可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方

只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大

我们没有在一起至少还像情侣一样

我痛的疯的伤的在你面前哭得最惨



我知道你也不能带我回到那个地方

你说你现在很好而且喜欢回忆很长

我们没有在一起至少还像家人一样

总是远远关心远远分享



那条路走呀走呀走呀总要回家

两只手握著晃呀晃呀舍不得放

你不知道吧后来后来我都在想

跟你走吧管它去哪呀



我们没有在一起至少还像朋友一样

你远远的关心其实更长

tried to avoid but the moment you sound upset all caution goes out the door.

yeah, I went to read post secrets even though I kow it's bad for me.

just wanted to go back to that part of myself for a while

but I'm not reading it anymore becausen it defeated the purpose of being a distraction - it only emphasized on what I was trying to avoid.

yesterday was rather bad, quite a lot of setbacks and stress. I'm thinking of early retirement.


I find it my responsibility that my students do well but sometimes it doesn't really work out. It feels like A Levels all over again. Stayed extra to try and save S but it's like mission impossible because her mid-years is tomorrow, the whole syllabus is tested and she only started studying today. To be fair, I think tuition teachers are meant to be there to assist your child but really, your child's results lies in his/her own individual hard work.


Bottom line: Don't blame the tuition teacher, they aren't miracle workers. If hiring a tuition teacher for a few months would give your child straight As then education needn't be 18 years long.


Fine, no one has blamed me before but I feel that more often than not the blame will be pushed to me. Sigh.


Anyway, I realised that my passion really lies in chemistry and physics because I'm like super animated when I teach them. I become mark shone with all the gadgets and demonstrations luh. So I'm actually glad I'm studying chemical engineering because it's really the geeky side of me. (:




Lucas once said that we shouldn't do certain anything if we don't have the right mentality.

I'm not having the right mentality right now. Our emotions shouldn't be tagged mostly to a person if we want to learn to be independent.


Gonna step on the breaks and go back to first gear.




ANYWAY GOOD LUCK WITH CAMPING IN MALAYSIA J :D
it's not nice to say "you shutup" luh HAHAHAH



And I really really wish that universities would give more chances to people who really deserve them.

Some nice person (can't believe I didn't ask for her name nor did I introduce myself. small talk fail) told me about the honours difference (pun intended) between NUS and NTU when I went for the scholarship interview. Then J just called to spread her NUS propaganda again. I'm tired of this NTU NUS debate thing, really. LET ME GO UCL MANZ. OR EDINBURG. (bye manchester =x)



Anyway I really am not good at interviews somehow. :( I looked pretty luh! Maybe I really am a bimbo, sigh.



On a side note, I realised someone that someone accidentally told me he was shirtless. tsk.

so embarrassing!

I can't believe my phone rang and 8.34 p.m. and ended at 9.04 p.m.
HALF AN HOUR, that's crazy because I expected five minutes?
I think he said we've got another hour before he goes into housewife mode ("I wash my clothes, hang them, fold them") but his bunkmates were really super rowdy and kept asking him to go and bathe.
To be honest I'm glad the phone call ended because I was so blanked out.

me: Hey
him: Hey
me: Hi (start giggling)


I'm so dumbotic (new word) &%^&&@$%
12 minutes since the phone call ended and my heart's still going on over-drive.
I need engine break manz. (geek driver talk)
I couldn't think of what to say so I just kept sighing (from content) and giggling x.x
I'm still out of breath, gosh.


Some things still feel the same,
the way you laugh to yourself when you're telling me something embarrassing
the way you say you won't tell me about stuff but you still do
the way you always try to explain things to me knowing I'll forget it in five seconds and repeating all over again
the way your voice becomes tiny when you're upset
the way you go "you don't know one la" when I ask "who is it" because you know my entire social circle at the back of your hand
the way you prove me wrong when I pretend to know

me: Your classmate sits beside my bench, how can I not know?
him: you know fuxing?
me: I KNOW LUH! I KNOW FUXING!
him: you just know his name right? but you don't know him.
me: at least I know luh... (trails off defeated)


okay la, I was slightly jealous when he said he calls his mum every night BUT I bet I'm the only one who he messages every night luh (just have to boast to myself even though I don't think it matters to anyone else lol)



oh yeah this old man asked for my number today and I stuttered and ran away.
I was just trying to learn to make small talk luh.



Should have said:
Do you have a bullet-proof vest? My knight in shining armour has a rifle ;)


Anyway retail therapy today! It's a five digit therapy if you count in cents :s There was this saleswoman who showed me THREE white shirts luh but thanks to my awesome friends I have become stronger against all things white so I only bought ONE of them :D


I don't really know if I want to see you on Friday :/
but a phone call (like you promised) would be good enough (:

trying to get a grip on myself



some things aren't worthed the risk (especially when you know it's bound to crash and burn)



forever's better than

maybe because

"Anyway maybe you don't have to be so blur tomorrow cos maybe i can call you cos i might have enough battery."


love it when you ramble (:



somehow there seems to be some miscommunication because I have a feeling you think we're going out on friday night but I had no idea all along.
or maybe I was too dense :s
if that's true I'd be like the first person you see! hahaha



every time I receive a message I dissolve into this puddle of sugar - when little sean asked me a question I was like "huh? (:"

"Very rush today. No time to message. I'm still fine, don't worry. Take care!"
An hour late but unbearably sweet on the account that I've never admitted that it worries me not to get your message every night and you probably don't even have enough time to sleep since it's way past your bed-time. (:



I've got great friends and they are great (:

uni starts in sep, be it ntu nus edinburg manchester surrey or even ucl.



you're an island away now, would you be 15 hours further soon?

I'm feeling really happy because it's nice to let yourself out of the circle you've drawn yourself into.
I couldn't see what I was really upset about but I finally did, the same time kong did (:



There are many ways of changing. I don't have to force myself to prove things that don't even hold much meaning because those changes won't be real anyway.
In fact, thinking about what I genuinely want helps me face those scars I've always avoided so I can finally let them heal (:


I told J that I realised that being happy is the most important, that we should do things that genuinely make us happy. She was like "woah this is serious. you're serious."
Some people might disagree, arguing that we can't always do things which makes us happy if we build our happiness on others' misery.
I don't really think that's a problem because doing things that genuinely makes us happy wouldn't be things built on others' misery. Because hurting others never makes us genuinely happy.



I feel sensible tonight. For a very long time I feel as if I'm becoming very childish and I have. There are things that I shouldn't have done and others I should have cared more about.
Tonight, I got a few "that sounds like you" and that genuinely makes me happy.



I used to be optimistic and more feeling than thinking.
Rather than looking bad sadly, I'm going to find my genuine happy self back. (:



For myself, and not for you or anyone else.




By the way, thanks J W Y C K and you for listening to me over the past two days (:


And I wanna say thanks onghuiming for being there for me since the exam period last year (: You were there through my endless complaints, my frequent emo-ing, my sudden rages, my childish behaviour, my crazy sulking, my selfish attitude and my awkward blunders.
I don't know what I would have done without you for the whole A Level period.
We haven't got a chance to talk or see each other since class outing and I miss you for you, not because I want to make you sit through my re-telling of my pathetic life. (:
I'm sorry for putting you through all my rants, genuinely sorry.
Every time I think about uni life I would think about not having you around in class anymore :(
And I really didn't have any other meaning when I told you about the uni stuff though I might have sounded like I did I'm not sure. You didn't reply my message so I've been worried the past few days. :/
Talk to me if you see this okay? (:
Jiemeis forever! (:

sometime I skip too many processes when I think, especially when it's mixed with strong emotions of any kind, such that when I look back to trace my argument I can't link both ends anymore.

losing a little steam, bleah.


every kid takes their own mid-years. I take ten mid-years at one go.
&*%@^*&$%



yes, it does seem like a long time before you get to book out.
the wait's so long we're both growing tired. :(


going to make pudding now to make life sweeter! (:

I haven't been blogging because I don't have the need to (:



Life's good and I've been happy for many many days consecutively I think I broke record. Being happy is contagious because people around me are happier when I'm less emo or angry (:



M got my present and he totally got my point before I even told him about it :D One week left to get teddy's present!


Someone told me he got his rifle and I was like be careful, the officers will try to steal yours! And the next time he messages me he says "My rifle got stolen." HAHAHA (:

For the first time I don't try to avoid your "how're you? (:" because I can finally tell you I've been happy these days and it's contagious.


because you passed it to me, but that's my secret (:

I thought I was going to die from missing you so much.
But I realised that I can always be fine on my own. Whether you're here or not I still live my own life and find my own happiness.


Twelve more days but I actually told you that you don't have to message me till you get out.
Maybe no one told you I was crying over you. It's just that I couldn't believe that you thought of me, that you wanted to talk to me, that you needed me too.



I want to fly a kite again. This time I'll let go of my grip on the string, I'll let it fly as high as possible, like how Z flew it so high so far she ran out of string and it flew far far away. When I saw it flying further and further away I ran like an idiot trying to catch it when it falls. I couldn't find it. Maybe the kite on the tree was ours, maybe it wasn't ALl that I know is that kites are meant to fly, not meant for me to keep.



You're not meant for me to keep.



Every time you ask me "how're you? (:" I'll tell you "I'm missing you a lot, honestly." until the day I have learnt to truly be strong for myself.

it's late and I have to wake up in a few hours for 12 hours of tuition starting at 8.30a.m.
I need to sleep, I'm dead tired but the moment I close my eyes I started crying.
I told myself I would be strong for you, I told myself not to cry but everything's too much for me.


the feeling of letting your kite fly further and further away from you, losing more and more control of your kite was so scary that my whole body was trembling, my heart was breaking.
I kept trying to tell myself that I shouldn't overreact, but the kind of fear and pain pulsing through me was indescribable.


I can't let go.
I know I have to, and I'm trying to but flying a kite across islands kills me.
Watching the distance between us increasing kills me.




the outing was supposed to be fun, but I felt more tired than ever.
I'm not used to living the dramatic life and having to second-guess everything I do anymore.
I may not be an expert, but I know I'm rather good at reading body language and sensing the vibes sent by others.
It's not as if there are many chances to get together, why make thigns so cmplicated?



We need to learn to live for ourselves and not others.
That includes you and me.



I'm tired of this life and the old one I used to lead.
Besides work, I don't want to go out or see anyone for the next two weeks.
I need a break.

I miss you.



I miss you I miss you I miss you.
withdrawal symdromes are scary.

hates impurities.

took the train with Y today to send her to paya lebar. wanted to go to the airport to watch the planes through the night but turned back at the last minute because I don't want to make you worry.



driving was quite fun today although the instructor didn't like me too much and I was really not in the mood to entertain him like how I entertained the previous two.

Teddy:
听到你会开车了，我真替别人担个心，你要慢慢开，别撞人啊。


better luck on friday? :/


on a side note, I don't like how people comment on my life, especially when they don't even know much. In fact, I'm sure most people find it annoying. There's a reason why certain people are not part of my life, so they shouldn't try to act like they're even related. Stay away, swallow your comments and stop thinking that whatever you do matters to me at all. I find it gross to have to deal with this but don't blame me when things turn ugly if you insist on drawing any links between us - there aren't any.


friends aren't people who let you indulge in doing things that violate others' rights just to make yourself happy.

you're the habit I can never kick.

像种感冒爱情出现了忽冷忽热的挣扎

才刚坐下有说有笑一眨眼有微笑是正常

晚上一样花好几天的冷战把情绪交换

我坐立不安怎黱比分手还难

你是我的肩膀我的信仰是我的温暖

有时候我在想留在你身旁是爱你还是爱上陪伴


习惯两个人不见不散

习惯一睁眼就寻找对方

习惯让我们懒散不再坚强

对寂寞丧失抵抗

习惯两个人睡单人床

才能沉睡到天亮

如果你离开了

我束手无策怎黱办


总是习惯若无其事的继续为爱而繁忙

究竟是装宽容大方还是呢忍受房间空旷

我们总说时间到了就该懂得好聚好散

我坐立不安陷入爱的拉锯战

有时候我在想陪在你身旁是爱你还是爱上陪伴

习惯了圆满怎能又

重新习惯空出的另一半

但愿我爱上的不是爱上你的习惯



everything that I want you to know it's all in the letter
everything that is going through your mind I know it's in the message


I'll take care of myself, I'll try
not going to be the little girl who goes to you everytime she's hurt
I just want you to take good care of yourself
not going to make you worry when you go out there with bullets and grenades



I don't want to tell you I've grown up
I want you to see it for yourself
I don't want to be not good enough for you
I want you to be proud of me the way I'm proud of you

I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go.


today was one of the most unlucky day I've had.
but nothing consumes my thoughts more than you do.

Wrote a card last night to the little monster and I've never seen anyone who treasures things I write so much. Even if it's just a note, he keeps it like he's never received anything better. First time walking him to school since we moved and he was so happy. I need to watch less television and walk him more often.



Teddy's birthday is on 24th May. I must remember to send him something. Okay, I need to start thinking about what to get for him.
M's present is still with me :( I will mail it today, I will :x



Now, time to reply teddy's email, write someone a letter and wait for M1's reply (I hope he replies :/)



M2's waiting! (willpower)



On a side note, my p2 student told me that sharpeners are pronounced as "sharp penis" speechless.

I think many people around me are facing so many problems and yet I haven't been around to help very often.



I need to be better. I should work less so I have more time.
Life sucks.

you've no idea how glad I am that you're the last.




it shall be my mission to find mr olive for you (:
I think I'll buy mr pink for you too (:
I think I'll turn gay (extremely optimistic and happy beyond human capabilities) like ahming looking at mr pink shake his head and smile at me 24 hours a day.
or maybe it's the thought of you.


pfft, who cares about mr instructor. LOL

says:
we can talk over the phone tomorrow night if you want



that's how you transform from listening to a very emotional song to switching off the music player and start smiling to yourself.


I've been trying to play it cool but I guess you're able to see it through
I kept trying to laugh at things about ns hoping to cover up the longing and the heartache
but you hear them anyway
because you're you
and I love you.




two more days and then you pack and go
two more days and I won't even have the energy to log into msn
two more days and I can only look at the stars, hoping that you're looking at the ones I'm looking at too



I'll wait for you.

frustrated beyond belief.


by the way, j called, peranakan dinner next saturday.

zhenyang messaged me today and I'm touched, genuinely.
maybe K's right too, about dilution.



but I don't want to think anymore.
All I know is that for you, I want to be a better person.

I'm feeling kind of giddy right now.
Today was my first driving lesson and I think I cracked too many jokes about scaring my instructor that I psycho-ed myself into thinking I would die learning how to drive.
I was mad nervous on my way there and my palms were sweaty when the lesson began.



However, things got much better towards the end and the super mad nice instructor said I was one of his best students :D
I think I gave him a damn good laugh though.


Classic moments today:

1.
Instructor: Don't be scared.
Me: No, I'm not scared for myself. I'm scared for you.

Me: Do people crash around here?
Instructor: No not in the circuit but they do on the roads outside. But it's always other cars that bang into ours so it's okay.
Me: What if I crash into other cars?
Instructor: WHAT? Please don't make me lose my voice, more sore throat's bad enough.

2. He demonstrated what engine stalling meant which is basically the car jerking forward and you feeling like you're dropping off a cliff. My eyeballs magnified and I look like I was going to vomit and he went

"That was your first engine stall." with a cheshire grin.


3. When it was my turn to drive, I accidentally made the engine stall and I shouted because the car jerked like mad on the road. Mr I-like-to-see-how-frightened-you-can-be said

"The car jerking wasn't scary. But when you shouted you gave me a fright."

Current score: Maychew 1, Instructor 1


4. When he told me to exchange seats with him I ran out from my side to get to the other side and he was like

"Don't need to run!" Then he sees my satisfied look with the air-conditioner blowing in my face.
"You ran for the air-con right?"

Like duh, do I look like I would run to save time.

5. When we were driving he told me I was slightly off the center. So I stared into his side mirror to get the car in the middle, resulting in the car driving into the next lane and he had to grab my steering wheel to save us both. HAHA

6. I was having a hard time with the steering around the bends so I gripped the steering wheels damn tightly when he tried to help me steer and he was like

"Wah your boyfriend's hand will die." And I laugh and shoot him my evil eye.

7. Moments after I almost ran into five other cars,

Instructor: Don't worry, I'm here for you.
Maychew: You better be.


8. I was driving very slowly behind a damn slow car and I got impatient and he was grumbling about the instructor in front.

Maychew: Why don't you overtake him?
Instructor: There are cars and motorcycles on the overtaking lane!

Then after a few more minutes when the coast was clear

Instructor: Let go of the steering wheel put don't release the accelerator

and he dashingly steered from the left seat and we overtook that car!
I was clapping and smiling damn happily in the driver's seat.

maychew: That was so cool we overtook them!

Then the instructor let go of the steering wheel and I stared at it puzzledly

maychew: Am I supposed to take over the steering wheel?
instructor: Do you think I was going to drive for you?


9. When I was done learning what I needed to, he took over the wheel again and started showing off by speeding around the bends (he told me "you are not supposed to speed up when turning") and asked me to choose a stunt for him to perform.

So I chose the crazy narrow windy S curve for him to drive through and he was like

"I can do that in three seconds."

Then he proudly zoomed through and looked damn proud of himself though I thought it wasn't as initial D as I thought it would be but I still gave my adoring look to protect his ego.


Anyway we spent the last ten minutes sitting in the carpark to chit chat because everyone else weren't back yet and I found out quite a lot about him. I must I'm very impressed by how he has this spirit to always better himself and to pursue his interests.


By the way he's only 26 and goodlooking.



I LOVE DRIVING.

I'm getting a headache from 4 hours of research on universities. Ugh.


There are many rankings available and each gives different information so it's quite frustrating. Manchester's 4th in chem eng in UK but it's supposedly below NUS in terms of technology. However, US actually lists manchester above NUS.


Forums talk about how NTU is much better than NUS in terms of the industrial attachment made compulsory by NTU and the ease of getting better grades there. Apparently, employers do not really care about whether you're from NTU or NUS and in myopinion I believe that's true because ONLY GOT TWO UNI COMPARE FOR WHAT LUH.

Most people can't comment on whetehr overseas degree is more sought after by employers because it's difficult to make a judgment I guess. But I believe that studying overseas probably gives you an edge- you stand out at the very least.



Then there's the struggle in terms of whether UCL or Manchester is better. Manchester's 4th in chem eng but UCL's only 15th? BUT UCL is ranked 7th in the world and Manchester's like 30 plus.





On a side note, there's a higher chance of you visiting me in Manchester rather than London so you can look at your darling Man-U. Okay fine I forgot your favourite player's name. It's your fault for saying "you sure don't know who he is" everytime I ask you luh.



These days I always think about things you say about me based on your understanding of me and I'm amazed by how you can predict what I'll do (or not) so damn accurately when we've never ever talked about those stuff before.
You're crazy.
And I love a mad man.


(:



It's also depressing thinking about how we're all getting separated so soon. X's going Holland, Y's got an overseas scholarship, P's interning in Shanghai for half a year, H taking a gap year to go poly (KIDDING HAHAHA), D in austrailia, Z going London, M going UK and all the guys in NS.
And you're leaving in a week.



I seriously hope that your holiday lies on my birthday though I wouldn't want to go out with you. LOL
I just want our phonecalls that used to completely make our biological clocks dysfunctional.
It's damn funny when you put two people who talk like they're drunk when it's late into the night. Falling asleep at the same time and then trying to wake the other person up.


I like the section on "Gone were the good old days when.." (:

OH MAN IT'S SUDDENLY SO EXCITING RIGHT NOW.


1. SOMEONE'S APPARENTLY NOT UPSET OR ANGRY AT ME :D
2. TEDDY EMAILED ME
3. SOMEONE PLAYED WITH kimi raikkonen ON FACEBOOK POKER


4. UNIVERSITY OF MANCHESTER JUST GAVE ME AN UNCONDITIONAL OFFER.

I'M GOING TO UK :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
(once sime darby confirms that they absolutely love me and would pay for my education when I meet them next thursday)

maychew always. says:
(:
yeah I genuinely want to be a better friend
to him and well to everyone else too
but it's not easy
everyday it's a lot of thinking, a lot of reflection, a lot of regret, a lot of anguish.
but I'm really really trying.



for the first time I really wish you read my blog so you'll see that I'm genuinely sorry.

word of advice

Ming. --The wayward walk alone; says:
<33333
and see you at 1 at the busstop
sleep early and get better soon my love!
<333333 muchly goodnight sleep tight I won't let the bedbugs bite you!




I love playing MSN 7 hand poker because
1. I get to spend hours doing that with you
2. I get to blow off pervert guy



At the worst situation, it's getting better and better.
This beats having the worst of the best situation. (:



Wanting something doesn't entitle you to it.
Before you want something you lost, think about why you lost it and look at yourself in the mirror first.

stfu

Bought a dress today (relax mokyingming and onghuiming, it's not white. I'm a good girl :D)
I've been spending too much money on groceries these days though :S


Today was relatively great because
1. I don't have to build up toxins in my body twice a week anymore
2. I got to play with my tutee's ultra cute brother because I brought honey stars for him
3. I realised that it's two weeks away instead of one (:
4. Your conversation window was the first thing I saw when I logged into msn.



There are many things I want to talk about.
Firstly it's my irritation with people clearly don't think very much.
All that I can say is that trying to be 伟大 doesn't give you a right to be rude, neither does it mean that EVERYONE else would think you're damn 伟大 too.
Guilt-tripping others into doing things is not going to work.
If they don't want to, or they don't even care, then they really don't.



Secondly, I think the way a relationship finally ends say a lot about the relationship.
If it ends with a fight, then there's a possibility that the parties still care about each other.
However, if it ends just by one party walking away without even wanting to talk to the other person about it then isn't it obvious that the person actually no longer sees any value or has any attachment to that relationship?



Lastly, I believe that true love lasts forever. That is probably why I try my best to keep my loved ones in my life because I know I can never let them go. Someone once said to me, "I don't know if 'I love you' is being overused or underused." Personally I think it's being underused to people we truly love and overused to people we think we loved but never did.

I've got to admit that I regret using the word love so loosely in the past, before I realised that love wasn't something you kept at the corner of your lips for just anyone. That's the reason why I stopped teling people who I never truly love those three words anymore. Not everyone would agree with me but it's just my way of respecting myself when I tell someone I love him/her. Maybe we shouldn't be so stingy with the three words but I've made too many mistakes to risk that again.



Read through the post and realised that my thoughts are all over the place.
I think it's because a certain someone's too damn distracting.


says:
don't be sick :(




Shutter Island was mad good by the way.
I love watching scary movies, only because I get to watch them from your shoulder (:



I don't need a parachute, if baby I've got you
If baby I've got you, I don't need a parachute

it doesn't have to end completely if I've got the willpower
you're worthed the fight.



maychew always. says:
mmhmm
do you think I act cute too?
(narrows my eyes at you)
says:
can a dog bark?
:)



ass. (:

Feeling really sick now so I need to post before the shit load of medicine I take knocks me out.


The moment I hugged you I was going to cry.
You're leaving and I need to move on.
The whole world knows I haven't and I know I can't go on like this.
I could wilfully go on saying that I'll be fine but even I know this isn't going to work.


I always admitted that I don't know what love is but I thought I knew what it isn't.
I was wrong.


It wasn't about the elaborate things people go all out to do for you,
neither was it about the heartfelt words and iloveyous.



You called to find out where I was and how long I had been there, then you got really anxious knowing that I would have to wait till you came. Even though I didn't sound too cordial you didn't get frustrated at me and sent me a message to apologise. I completely forgot to be angry right after that.


You always take out your wallet to pay first and told me to hold on first when I hurry to pay you back. And you never do the fight-to-pay thing with me when I offer to pay because I get very embarrassed when people do that. I like the way we don't ever take advantage of the other without being calculative at all.


You were going talk about something but you knew that I wouldn't be happy to hear that so you changed what you were going to say. I would never admit that it bothers me to hear that but you seem to know it anyway.


You let me freak out after I saw something I shouldn't and then you discreetly diverted my attention and kept me talking so I stopped thinking about the whole incident completely. It's amazing how you're just able to keep me in control and I don't even feel forced.


You laughed at me but you explained everything to me so I wouldn't feel like a complete idiot. There's the gentleness in your laughing eyes when you look straight at me and it makes me know that you aren't trying to hurt me at all.


There are so many little things you do for me that I've never ever stopped to notice till it's all over.
And only now do I realise that love is about the little things we do to make the other feel comfortable and protected.



You've always loved me,
it's just me who doesn't know how to love you.

says:
i'm going off to sleep last night
maychew always. says:
last night?
says:
eh i mean soon
says:
i talk rubbish when im very tired, sorry



so extremely adorable how not to love.



Don't want to oversleep on thursday
because I'm going to the beach :D
was really sick today but you always make everything better.

love, always.

what can I say

another late late dinner today
did shop-closing shopping with Y at daiso and giant today :D


done with the presents but I've got three cards to make at least, plus a letter.


oh and eleven notes to write :O



shall go sleep because I don't feel like reading


paper cuts and bruises all over my fingers but the thought of you while folding the stars make everything all better (:
there are questions which I can't answer, arguments I can't refute,
and I know I shouldn't indulge in this happiness thar is no longer meant to last
but you're leaving and I don't want to live in regret.
IWTMYS

completely smiley today


yeah there were idiots but nobody can spoil my good good mood.



just came back from supper with P plus walking around in the 24 hour ntuc with our huge trolley and random things bought.



shopping tomorrow!



I like it this way because I don't want to spoil it at all.

I'm not over being upset at myself over the DA shit
but you made today great


it's supposed to be over
but these few days it appears as if it's not


today I read about how we all need a break from each other so we can miss the other person and fall in love all over again



and you're so damn cute when you're half asleep
okay I'm going crazy.

says:
haha
If ENFPs do not find a place where they can use their gifts and be appreciated for their contributions, they usually feel frustrated and may... IGNORE DEADLINES AND PROCEDURES

maychew always. says:
HAHA
is that me?



feeling extremely loved because you went to look at personality test results to make me laugh and feel better.
I know I gave up the right to, but I still love you.
always do.

pissed off at myself for not being more responsible, for always landing myself in the same situation.
really need comfort but rejecting it at the same time


freaked out just now and went straight to you instinctively
double pissed off at myself for letting you see the side of me that screws up all the time


and there's the pain of thinking about the possibility that we won't end up together
because I'm such an idiot.


I wanna be

going to sleep before the sun rises so I'll be able to extend the magic a little longer in my dreams.



love makes the world go round.

fairytales

you're being damn cute right now.
but I don't tell you - no I don't.


feels like we're back in the older days
staying up online together to talk rubbish and laughing in front of the computer
at everyone we knew


you being too gossipy for a guy
me being too manly for well a female


never thought there would be a day when things would get back this way
I know it's just the magic of the night, and I'll wake up from this dream when the sun goes up
but just a few hours and it's good enough


we are going to the beach, to the beach, to the beach
then we're going back to school, back, to, school.
(gonna sing it in london bridge is falling down tune constantly)



so going to shop on thursday for your present :D
okay plus yj's, m's and misslow's :s

suddenly had this feeling of being very lost
I'm not sure if everyone's moving too quickly or I'm just not catching up fast enough
I think it's the effects of cutting myself off for too long
there was this inexplicable fear, as though you only realised that you don't know where you are after walking for days in the woods


the past few days I've been thinking "how did she become like this? I thought she would never do that" but the truth's that nothing changed- I should stop deluding myself that she wasn't orginally like this because I damn well know that she is.



forget it.

These few days I've been better than I was for the past month.
It's hard to explain why and how things have taken such a drastic change.
I guess it started with a psychology book which simply wrote about my life.
It's probably fated that I found that book at a time like this. Someone up there must really like me. (:



I want to do everything different.
There isn't an "other half" that I need in this world because we're all complete individuals capable of filling any holes ourselves.
It doesn't matter if what I've said doesn't make sense.
I told Z about it and I managed to inspire him too. That's good enough.


When things happened, I texted Z to help me take care of him.
Somehow, I think Z ended up taking care of me instead, haha.
I think I'm a very blessed person already.


and you:
I shouldn't have left you when you were begging me not to go.
I shouldn't have come back for you only to leave you once again.
It must have been very difficult for you, I should have known.
You've been that huge emotional support that had been around for the past few years, that strong pillar I'd lean on and hide behind when the rain falls. I only realised how much I relied on you when it was too late.

You tell me not to procrastinate getting an umbrella when I get drenched all the time walking between tuition places, but till now I still end up shivering in the rain.
You tell me not to go for training when I didn't sleep the previous night but I don't listen and go home with five pulled muscles.
You demand me to do things that are for my own good and then pacify me when I say you're fierce (lol)
You accept ridiculous things that I do even when it's things you'd never accept anyone doing.
You think I'm great even though you're everything I want to be.


There are so many things about you I don't even know how to list them all out.
And I'm very glad that I can only remember the good things about you.



Maybe one day, when we've both learnt how to love,
if it's fated,

just did a CTRL+A and Delete.
suddenly lost all the mood to blog.

dying from the flu.
think I'm running a fever cause baby brother said so when he touched my forehead.


ugh, f.

still damn awake.


anyway just wanted to say welcome back P (:

who's that?

half an hour left to explain why I want a scholarship but here I am grinning like an idiot knowing that you finally went out to play your stupid little thing with your friends.

the number of hours I've slept since monday can be counted with my fingers and toes only. and I've got a few toes left to spare. was so exhausted today that I cancelled a session in the afternoon to go home for a nap before going back for tuition at night. sleeping has become passing out literally because it only occurs out of desperation. moved into the new house already but thigns are not done and not unpacked. these few days have been work in the day till 10p.m. then going to my old house to help them pack and move. I only reach home past 2a.m. and then there's the watch tv listen to the radio read pack stare at my phone thing before blacking out.


learning not to depend on anyone anymore. I think I'm doing quite well. wanna watch "When in Rome" in cinemas and shop too but I stopped myself when I was going through the lost of people I could go with. there's nothing bad about sitting in the dark corner alone in the theatre. anything beats having your heart really broken.


don't run away anymore. because I won't give chase, I promise.